I think I'm back now. Moving forward, sometimes I feel like I'm standing still, but at least I'm not face first in my bed anymore!
To all those in the adoption world. What the fuck?! God...waits are growing to enormous sizes. I thought I'd be in it for 2 yrs, I prepared myself to wait 2 yrs, HELL, I've been waiting for 9 yrs now to have another child, what's 2 more years...Did you see they only referred 2 days last month! Yes 2 DAYS! What the hell! Do the math people..YIKES! A friend of mine has a LID of 11/10/05...still no baby. I'm far enough removed that I'm not completely losing my mind over this...but if I was her...I'd be back in that bed face down.
So S. and I talked about doing an interim adoption...called my agency, they said okay as long as I have 1 yr between placements...but then all these rumors about being denied a child for ANY.LITTLE.THING. RACE! Seriously...some poor women denied a baby because she is black...are you kidding me!? So I've decided I'm a coward and I think I'll sit tight and just wait...and wait...Oh! Did I mention, WAIT!?!?!?
And then a blogger I've followed on and off for a while, Jen/Chew posted about her horrible "disruption." Disruption doesn't seem to do it justice. I would have died. I wouldn't be back in that bed face down. I would be under it.
And then the comments this poor women gets. I'm sure she lives with her decision every day of her life and will continue to do so. She is putting her story out there so WE, WE of the adoption community can learn from her. So WE don't have to go thru her pain. So WE can be armed with knowledge when we go to China for our children. In an event like this you would think we would gather around and support her but no.... not the Fellowship of China Adoption Church. No, let's berate her some more, tell her what Jesus would and wouldn't do, and keep our secrets in the closet where they belong.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Grey's...Father death
Did you guys see Grey’s Anatomy last night? Let me just say that the death of George’s dad just hit way too close to home. Of course the reason for our father’s death were completely different…but the actually father death….the same. It was like watching it told on TV, just for me, with different characters. Of course minus the board room explanation of what was going on with my father and the removal of the breathing tube…we were told that couldn’t happen.
And the death father’s club? Kristina couldn’t have said it better. It was like, suddenly it made sense…well sort of (?). You really don’t get it until it happens to you. And how do you manage to exist in a world that your dad isn’t in? You can’t think about, you just go on, you go forward. It’s funny how as a child you think of how you can’t manage with out a mom…no child should be with out his or her mom…but as an adult, at least for myself, your dad is the last person in the world who will still take care of you. The adult me now cares for my mom….but the adult me still wishes my dad was still here to take of me.
And the death father’s club? Kristina couldn’t have said it better. It was like, suddenly it made sense…well sort of (?). You really don’t get it until it happens to you. And how do you manage to exist in a world that your dad isn’t in? You can’t think about, you just go on, you go forward. It’s funny how as a child you think of how you can’t manage with out a mom…no child should be with out his or her mom…but as an adult, at least for myself, your dad is the last person in the world who will still take care of you. The adult me now cares for my mom….but the adult me still wishes my dad was still here to take of me.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Happy New Year!
So where have I been you ask? Good question….lets just say since my Dad died things haven’t been quite so normal… And my bother has his head up his ass….dear old brother will now be referred to as HUHA (head up his ass) So much of my time was spent running to and from Pennsyltucky to spend time with dear old Mom. Not that I mind…really I don’t. I love my Mom, but hell…I thought HUHA would be there for my Mother much more than he has…considering he lives 45 minutes from her and I live over 2 ½ hours..…it would make my life a bit easier if he would get said head unstuck from said bum…but hey we can’t have everything now can we??? Imagine my surprise on the Friday before Christmas when I was suddenly informed that my mother would be spending the weekend alone…because HUHA didn’t think to include my Mother in his plans…so off I go to retrieve my mother…5 hour drive, round trip…to have her obsess about the dumb ass turkey she promised to cook HUHA…I tried to tell her that is why you just have HAM! Then I had to bring her back home Christmas morning bright and early so the turkey would be ready for HUHA…did I tell you I really don’t like turkey!?! HAM would have been much better, oh and easier...and if HUHA is so concerned about having turkey he should have cooked it himself!
Now we have made it thru the major holidays…one a month since he has been gone. Dear old Dad could never make things easy…but it fits his persona…he was a rip the bandaid from the wound kind of guy…not a soak it in the tub till it falls off kind of guy. We have his birthday next month which I’m sure won’t be easy either. But I will say running around the last few weeks has kept my mind of things. Plus there is the taking care of my Mother since HUHA is preoccupied with his own grief, and did I mention he has his head up his ass???
One good thing did seem to happen with all the running around on Christmas...SIL called my mother to insist that they spend this pass weekend with them...maybe they are finally getting it??? I don't know if I should hope for so much...but I was able to spend my New Years Eve in Cape May with friends...which was really nice!
But I come home yesterday to read the great holiday gift of RQ site.... not that it's her fault...well only in the ..shoot.the.messenger.kind.of.way. I've been out of touch becuase of my crappy computer has been broken for the past month…so it was quite lovely that I learned on New Years Day that my adoption will be completed in about 30 months……. 30 FING MONTHS!!!!! Why is nothing I ever decide to do easy???
On that note….a Happy New Year to everyone!
Now we have made it thru the major holidays…one a month since he has been gone. Dear old Dad could never make things easy…but it fits his persona…he was a rip the bandaid from the wound kind of guy…not a soak it in the tub till it falls off kind of guy. We have his birthday next month which I’m sure won’t be easy either. But I will say running around the last few weeks has kept my mind of things. Plus there is the taking care of my Mother since HUHA is preoccupied with his own grief, and did I mention he has his head up his ass???
One good thing did seem to happen with all the running around on Christmas...SIL called my mother to insist that they spend this pass weekend with them...maybe they are finally getting it??? I don't know if I should hope for so much...but I was able to spend my New Years Eve in Cape May with friends...which was really nice!
But I come home yesterday to read the great holiday gift of RQ site.... not that it's her fault...well only in the ..shoot.the.messenger.kind.of.way. I've been out of touch becuase of my crappy computer has been broken for the past month…so it was quite lovely that I learned on New Years Day that my adoption will be completed in about 30 months……. 30 FING MONTHS!!!!! Why is nothing I ever decide to do easy???
On that note….a Happy New Year to everyone!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Wow…It’s been a while and where to start? I guess I’m better. I can’t say I’m walking around in constant state of grief and disbelief…but I can’t say I’m all together myself. I’m lazy…prone to just going to bed if S is around to deal with our daughter and the dogs. My house isn’t the same…my bedroom is a disaster…I do enough in the rest of the house to get by, but it certainly isn’t as orderly as it usually is. S and DD are out for the night so I had a bowl of ice cream for dinner…not something I would normally do. I wonder if this is some case of depression that I don’t even know about……I can’t say I feel depressed. Nor am I myself. I guess this too will pass. Time…time, everyone keeps saying it takes time. F time….keeps rolling along regardless.
I’m not even enjoying my Christmas shopping. Usually by now I’m close to being done. I usually offer to help my male friends get stuff for their wives because I love to shop, and I find they are essentially clueless in the gift giving department (I wish someone would help S out in the same way!). I especially like shopping with someone else’s money. But see…I use to do my dad’s shopping for my mom. Guess I won’t be doing that this year. I’m randomly raiding Target, not doing the mall and ordering everything I can online with out comparing prices! If you know me…that’s shocking. I mean I’m the girl that buys something…finds it for $5.00 cheaper and buys it again, only to run around and take the original one back to save the $5.00. I didn’t decorate for Halloween and couldn’t tell you where my Christmas stuff is b/c S. re organized the basement and I could care less in attempting to find or do anything...and I mean anything.
I’m not following the adoption blogs. I am avoiding dinner with friends because I’d rather go to bed and read. Man I need to snap out of this…but I did finally write an entry here…so maybe it’s a start!
And HEY! The Democrats won the elections! I did do a big happy dance that day. And Rumsfield out too! Only if we could get rid of Bush and Cheney! See…maybe this is a start of a better mood!
I’m not even enjoying my Christmas shopping. Usually by now I’m close to being done. I usually offer to help my male friends get stuff for their wives because I love to shop, and I find they are essentially clueless in the gift giving department (I wish someone would help S out in the same way!). I especially like shopping with someone else’s money. But see…I use to do my dad’s shopping for my mom. Guess I won’t be doing that this year. I’m randomly raiding Target, not doing the mall and ordering everything I can online with out comparing prices! If you know me…that’s shocking. I mean I’m the girl that buys something…finds it for $5.00 cheaper and buys it again, only to run around and take the original one back to save the $5.00. I didn’t decorate for Halloween and couldn’t tell you where my Christmas stuff is b/c S. re organized the basement and I could care less in attempting to find or do anything...and I mean anything.
I’m not following the adoption blogs. I am avoiding dinner with friends because I’d rather go to bed and read. Man I need to snap out of this…but I did finally write an entry here…so maybe it’s a start!
And HEY! The Democrats won the elections! I did do a big happy dance that day. And Rumsfield out too! Only if we could get rid of Bush and Cheney! See…maybe this is a start of a better mood!
A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives
I love this........
A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives ...
To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,
I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.
Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.
Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:
Dear Conservatives and Republicans,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.
2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.
4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.
5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.
6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.
9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.
11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.
I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.
Signed,
Michael Mooremmflint@aol.com(Click here to sign the pledge)www.michaelmoore.com
P.S. Please feel free to pass this on.
http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/message/index.php?id=201
A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives ...
To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,
I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.
Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.
Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:
Dear Conservatives and Republicans,
I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:
1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.
2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.
3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.
4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.
5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.
6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.
7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.
8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.
9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.
10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.
11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.
12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.
I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.
Signed,
Michael Mooremmflint@aol.com(Click here to sign the pledge)www.michaelmoore.com
P.S. Please feel free to pass this on.
http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/message/index.php?id=201
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
So what do you do?
What do you do after your dad dies? I mean I'm not sure. We had his funeral on Thursday and it all seems so surreal. I just can't believe he is gone. My Daddy is gone.
I go thru waves of emotions. Sometimes I'm okay, other times I cry. I'm anxious and nervous for no apparent reason. I feel so alone. I didn't realize how big of an influence he had on me, how much I needed him. Needed him to feel safe in this world. My safety net is gone.
My Dad and I didn't have the best relationship. I think we were too much a like. He had done so many things in our past but I forgave him a very long ago...I just think he never forgave himself. And god knows we never talked about it. We could never talk. So I guess how could he know I forgave him?
My Mother claims we both held each other to too high a standard, on a "pedestal" and when we fell neither of us ever recovered. But the one thing I never doubted is that he loved me and would do anything for me...I hope he knew the same.
My brother and Dad were able to move beyond all the turmoil...but my bother is a different person than I am...and I'm so glad they did. They were able to have a relationship they both wanted so much. But my Dad and I? We never did...and now we will never have that chance.
And my Mother, god my Mother. She just seems so small now. I don't think anyone realized how much she needed him too. We never thought he did much around the house to help her.....but the space left in that house, his absence is huge. He was home. I realize that now but I never had the chance to tell him. The house seems so quiet, so alone. My Dad was not a big man but his presence was huge. He filled a room, his heart was large, his spirit was great. I just can't believe it took him leaving to make me realize this.
I knew it would end like this....me not seeing him for months with no other excuse but that we annoyed each other. Me feeling guilty for not calling enough or taking my daughter enough so she would know her grandfather better. Guilt, something I could have easily avoided if I was not wrapped up in my own life. I should have made the time.
So to anyone reading this..make the time. Make the time before it's too late.
I go thru waves of emotions. Sometimes I'm okay, other times I cry. I'm anxious and nervous for no apparent reason. I feel so alone. I didn't realize how big of an influence he had on me, how much I needed him. Needed him to feel safe in this world. My safety net is gone.
My Dad and I didn't have the best relationship. I think we were too much a like. He had done so many things in our past but I forgave him a very long ago...I just think he never forgave himself. And god knows we never talked about it. We could never talk. So I guess how could he know I forgave him?
My Mother claims we both held each other to too high a standard, on a "pedestal" and when we fell neither of us ever recovered. But the one thing I never doubted is that he loved me and would do anything for me...I hope he knew the same.
My brother and Dad were able to move beyond all the turmoil...but my bother is a different person than I am...and I'm so glad they did. They were able to have a relationship they both wanted so much. But my Dad and I? We never did...and now we will never have that chance.
And my Mother, god my Mother. She just seems so small now. I don't think anyone realized how much she needed him too. We never thought he did much around the house to help her.....but the space left in that house, his absence is huge. He was home. I realize that now but I never had the chance to tell him. The house seems so quiet, so alone. My Dad was not a big man but his presence was huge. He filled a room, his heart was large, his spirit was great. I just can't believe it took him leaving to make me realize this.
I knew it would end like this....me not seeing him for months with no other excuse but that we annoyed each other. Me feeling guilty for not calling enough or taking my daughter enough so she would know her grandfather better. Guilt, something I could have easily avoided if I was not wrapped up in my own life. I should have made the time.
So to anyone reading this..make the time. Make the time before it's too late.
Monday, October 09, 2006
RIP Dear Daddy
My dad died yesterday. He was only 60. Why am I on the computer? Because my house seems so empty and I came home last night from my mother's to gather my stuff, get my car fixed..figure out what to do next.
My dad has been ill for a long time. Too many things to mention...but it wasn't any of that that killed him. It was a blood clot to the bowel...it rotted, it was all bad. He had less than a 10% chance to live. This was Thursday. But see my dad has defied all kinds of laws of logic. Maybe he would be the one...he could make it if anyone could. His spirit was strong. And he did get better...each and every day a little bit better. They told us he would never regain consciousness...and he did. The surgeon didn't want to discuss the next step or "what ifs" but he came to us Saturday and said if he continued to improve they would go back in next week and take another look...put in a colostomy bag. But he did tell us again not to get optimistic...we had a long road.
He was hooked up to tubes and IVs and all kind of stuff he never wanted. We all wavered between being hopeful and wondering if we were doing the right thing. Were we prolonging the inevitable? We didn't want him to suffer anymore. He had such a hard life. But as my daughter said "Mommy, we have to hope."
My sister flew home from England Friday...she spent all day Saturday with him...he saw his baby grandson. It was as if he waited for her, for his baby. He had to know when he saw her that things weren't good. Then Saturday night his organs started to fail...on Sunday we knew it was time. He wouldn't want to live like this. We all gathered around his bed and told him that we loved him...he nodded to us...he held our hands. They gave him a morphine drip and a sedative and turned off the machines at 10:50am...at 11:50 he was gone.
My daddy...my safety net. The guy I knew would always be there for me, to rescue me when needed is gone. Now I'm walking that tight rope without a net. And I'm scared. I guess I knew as long as he was there...there was a little of me that never had to grow up....now I do.
And god I feel so guilty. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship. To say we got on each other's nerves is an understatement. In some ways we were too much alike. And when I'm upset or uncomfortable I choice to ignore as oppose to deal...especially with him. There was never any arguing with him. I was 12 yrs old again every time I dealt with him. I'm not the type of person that cries easily...and he could reduce me to tears with one look. And because of that I hadn't seen him for 6 months, even though he lives only 3 hrs away. I can't remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone....I'm sure it was only a few weeks ago, but I can't remember and there is no excuse for it to have been weeks. I knew I needed to see him but my niece's birthday is this weekend and I figured I could see him then...but I won't. I'll never see him again. I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilty but I do. I know he knew I loved him...and he loved me but god it still hurts. My daddy is dead and there's no coming back from that.
My dad has been ill for a long time. Too many things to mention...but it wasn't any of that that killed him. It was a blood clot to the bowel...it rotted, it was all bad. He had less than a 10% chance to live. This was Thursday. But see my dad has defied all kinds of laws of logic. Maybe he would be the one...he could make it if anyone could. His spirit was strong. And he did get better...each and every day a little bit better. They told us he would never regain consciousness...and he did. The surgeon didn't want to discuss the next step or "what ifs" but he came to us Saturday and said if he continued to improve they would go back in next week and take another look...put in a colostomy bag. But he did tell us again not to get optimistic...we had a long road.
He was hooked up to tubes and IVs and all kind of stuff he never wanted. We all wavered between being hopeful and wondering if we were doing the right thing. Were we prolonging the inevitable? We didn't want him to suffer anymore. He had such a hard life. But as my daughter said "Mommy, we have to hope."
My sister flew home from England Friday...she spent all day Saturday with him...he saw his baby grandson. It was as if he waited for her, for his baby. He had to know when he saw her that things weren't good. Then Saturday night his organs started to fail...on Sunday we knew it was time. He wouldn't want to live like this. We all gathered around his bed and told him that we loved him...he nodded to us...he held our hands. They gave him a morphine drip and a sedative and turned off the machines at 10:50am...at 11:50 he was gone.
My daddy...my safety net. The guy I knew would always be there for me, to rescue me when needed is gone. Now I'm walking that tight rope without a net. And I'm scared. I guess I knew as long as he was there...there was a little of me that never had to grow up....now I do.
And god I feel so guilty. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship. To say we got on each other's nerves is an understatement. In some ways we were too much alike. And when I'm upset or uncomfortable I choice to ignore as oppose to deal...especially with him. There was never any arguing with him. I was 12 yrs old again every time I dealt with him. I'm not the type of person that cries easily...and he could reduce me to tears with one look. And because of that I hadn't seen him for 6 months, even though he lives only 3 hrs away. I can't remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone....I'm sure it was only a few weeks ago, but I can't remember and there is no excuse for it to have been weeks. I knew I needed to see him but my niece's birthday is this weekend and I figured I could see him then...but I won't. I'll never see him again. I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilty but I do. I know he knew I loved him...and he loved me but god it still hurts. My daddy is dead and there's no coming back from that.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
TV NIGHT!!
Okay...done feeling sorry for myeself...I know I recently put in an entry about TV shows...and well Tuesdays are one of my nights! I think I forgot to mention Veronica Mars on that post...and it is trully one of the best shows on TV...It might be my favorite...if you haven't watched it..give it a try or two...it is a tough show to jump in now at season 3 but give it a chance you won't be sorry. Tuesday nights on the CW..and Gilmore Girls! Yeah! Love that show too!!!
Did you guys see Heroes last night??? Wasn't it crazy??? And a bit bloodier than I'd like...this from a Buffy fan no less. Watch that show...it is awesome...Check ABC.com if you haven't watched it, the last 2 episodes are there. I think I might just rewatch them when I have the chance.
Did you guys see Heroes last night??? Wasn't it crazy??? And a bit bloodier than I'd like...this from a Buffy fan no less. Watch that show...it is awesome...Check ABC.com if you haven't watched it, the last 2 episodes are there. I think I might just rewatch them when I have the chance.
Crazy is relative... (warning F word used a lot!)
Or caused by relatives...I'm sure it's a bit of both. I rag on my husband's family a lot. And while they are nutts...my family is too.
There is a lot of history here...more than I can cover before dinner is done so that will have to wait for another post but what I can say is my Dad is fucked up. So is my Mom. But the funny part is I know they love us. Especially my Dad. And while their fucked up ways essentially isolated us from the rest of the family I never doubted my Dad loved us.
This isolation from our family was especially difficult on me. I was the oldest and my Mom is one of 6....4 girls and 2 boys. I was the oldest grandchild/niece and my Mom's family was my world. And I idolized my Aunts, they were everything to me. But because my Dad is fucked up...he did some really fucked up things. Ultimately it caused a rift in the family that 20 yrs later still isn't fixed and I've only seen my Aunts a few times since, the last of which was a few days after I graduated high school....in 1989...so it's been 17 yrs.
As I've gotten older and have escaped my parents home I wished I could see them again. Fear of my father's wrath and being rejected by them has made me think better of it...until they started contacting my sister.
Why have they contacted my sister I don't know. I think she gets a bit of a free pass because she is 6 yrs younger...maybe they think she doesn't remembers anything...I always felt like I was held responsible in many ways. I was told again and again, I was my "father's daughter." But see here's the thing, I am. I love my Dad, I don't love what he has done, but I love him.
When I graduated from high school things were especially bad, but that was a time when the family was "talking" again. It was a slow start, but it was something. Then they showed up to my graduation party...2 days late...like nothing happened and I was hurt and angry. I hadn't seen them in years as it was. I spent my graduation day waiting for them, so hoping we could reunite, be a family again and they didn't show. I was crushed and what I thought was an opportunity to fix things...failed miserably. I probably said things that now I don't even rememberbut I'm being held responsible for 17 yrs later.
Problem is, by contacting my sister they have stirred up emotions in me I wasn't ready for...and part of it is jealously. I don't understand why they don't contact me. Why don't they realize I was just a child too? Even if I was 18 at the time. It hurts you see because I have real memories of them, and believe it or not, most of them were good. Many times they were my saviors when things were so wrong with my family life when I was little. I have these memories and my sister doesn't. To her they truly are just strangers. She was 6 when they left our lives for the most part...we had some brief contacts here and there while she was a bit older...but they were always strained and difficult, ultimately ending on 6/3/1989.
I miss my Aunts..but I was just a kid and they did turn their backs on us too. I'm sure there are things about them I don't remember. I mean someone who walked out on us couldn't be all that good right? I look at my sister and my nephews and I can't imagine for a minute turning around and never seeing or speaking to them again. I love those boys like they are mine. I would jump in front of a bus to save their lives...and my sister's life too. So I'm jealous, I'm hurt, and I'm angry. My sister forwarded me a copy of an email from my Aunt to ask me what I thought. Now I'm armed with my Aunt's email address and I wondering what to do. Do I email her and tell her how I feel? Do I email her a "hi" and see where it goes? Do I just go on ignoring it? I don't know...I'm 12 again and crushed...I actually cried, and I rarely cry.
This is fucked up.
In no way am I angry with my sister......I wish I was in her position and I was the one they wanted to talk to. But I'm not...and I can't believe how hurt I am.
There is a lot of history here...more than I can cover before dinner is done so that will have to wait for another post but what I can say is my Dad is fucked up. So is my Mom. But the funny part is I know they love us. Especially my Dad. And while their fucked up ways essentially isolated us from the rest of the family I never doubted my Dad loved us.
This isolation from our family was especially difficult on me. I was the oldest and my Mom is one of 6....4 girls and 2 boys. I was the oldest grandchild/niece and my Mom's family was my world. And I idolized my Aunts, they were everything to me. But because my Dad is fucked up...he did some really fucked up things. Ultimately it caused a rift in the family that 20 yrs later still isn't fixed and I've only seen my Aunts a few times since, the last of which was a few days after I graduated high school....in 1989...so it's been 17 yrs.
As I've gotten older and have escaped my parents home I wished I could see them again. Fear of my father's wrath and being rejected by them has made me think better of it...until they started contacting my sister.
Why have they contacted my sister I don't know. I think she gets a bit of a free pass because she is 6 yrs younger...maybe they think she doesn't remembers anything...I always felt like I was held responsible in many ways. I was told again and again, I was my "father's daughter." But see here's the thing, I am. I love my Dad, I don't love what he has done, but I love him.
When I graduated from high school things were especially bad, but that was a time when the family was "talking" again. It was a slow start, but it was something. Then they showed up to my graduation party...2 days late...like nothing happened and I was hurt and angry. I hadn't seen them in years as it was. I spent my graduation day waiting for them, so hoping we could reunite, be a family again and they didn't show. I was crushed and what I thought was an opportunity to fix things...failed miserably. I probably said things that now I don't even rememberbut I'm being held responsible for 17 yrs later.
Problem is, by contacting my sister they have stirred up emotions in me I wasn't ready for...and part of it is jealously. I don't understand why they don't contact me. Why don't they realize I was just a child too? Even if I was 18 at the time. It hurts you see because I have real memories of them, and believe it or not, most of them were good. Many times they were my saviors when things were so wrong with my family life when I was little. I have these memories and my sister doesn't. To her they truly are just strangers. She was 6 when they left our lives for the most part...we had some brief contacts here and there while she was a bit older...but they were always strained and difficult, ultimately ending on 6/3/1989.
I miss my Aunts..but I was just a kid and they did turn their backs on us too. I'm sure there are things about them I don't remember. I mean someone who walked out on us couldn't be all that good right? I look at my sister and my nephews and I can't imagine for a minute turning around and never seeing or speaking to them again. I love those boys like they are mine. I would jump in front of a bus to save their lives...and my sister's life too. So I'm jealous, I'm hurt, and I'm angry. My sister forwarded me a copy of an email from my Aunt to ask me what I thought. Now I'm armed with my Aunt's email address and I wondering what to do. Do I email her and tell her how I feel? Do I email her a "hi" and see where it goes? Do I just go on ignoring it? I don't know...I'm 12 again and crushed...I actually cried, and I rarely cry.
This is fucked up.
In no way am I angry with my sister......I wish I was in her position and I was the one they wanted to talk to. But I'm not...and I can't believe how hurt I am.
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