What do you do after your dad dies? I mean I'm not sure. We had his funeral on Thursday and it all seems so surreal. I just can't believe he is gone. My Daddy is gone.
I go thru waves of emotions. Sometimes I'm okay, other times I cry. I'm anxious and nervous for no apparent reason. I feel so alone. I didn't realize how big of an influence he had on me, how much I needed him. Needed him to feel safe in this world. My safety net is gone.
My Dad and I didn't have the best relationship. I think we were too much a like. He had done so many things in our past but I forgave him a very long ago...I just think he never forgave himself. And god knows we never talked about it. We could never talk. So I guess how could he know I forgave him?
My Mother claims we both held each other to too high a standard, on a "pedestal" and when we fell neither of us ever recovered. But the one thing I never doubted is that he loved me and would do anything for me...I hope he knew the same.
My brother and Dad were able to move beyond all the turmoil...but my bother is a different person than I am...and I'm so glad they did. They were able to have a relationship they both wanted so much. But my Dad and I? We never did...and now we will never have that chance.
And my Mother, god my Mother. She just seems so small now. I don't think anyone realized how much she needed him too. We never thought he did much around the house to help her.....but the space left in that house, his absence is huge. He was home. I realize that now but I never had the chance to tell him. The house seems so quiet, so alone. My Dad was not a big man but his presence was huge. He filled a room, his heart was large, his spirit was great. I just can't believe it took him leaving to make me realize this.
I knew it would end like this....me not seeing him for months with no other excuse but that we annoyed each other. Me feeling guilty for not calling enough or taking my daughter enough so she would know her grandfather better. Guilt, something I could have easily avoided if I was not wrapped up in my own life. I should have made the time.
So to anyone reading this..make the time. Make the time before it's too late.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
RIP Dear Daddy
My dad died yesterday. He was only 60. Why am I on the computer? Because my house seems so empty and I came home last night from my mother's to gather my stuff, get my car fixed..figure out what to do next.
My dad has been ill for a long time. Too many things to mention...but it wasn't any of that that killed him. It was a blood clot to the bowel...it rotted, it was all bad. He had less than a 10% chance to live. This was Thursday. But see my dad has defied all kinds of laws of logic. Maybe he would be the one...he could make it if anyone could. His spirit was strong. And he did get better...each and every day a little bit better. They told us he would never regain consciousness...and he did. The surgeon didn't want to discuss the next step or "what ifs" but he came to us Saturday and said if he continued to improve they would go back in next week and take another look...put in a colostomy bag. But he did tell us again not to get optimistic...we had a long road.
He was hooked up to tubes and IVs and all kind of stuff he never wanted. We all wavered between being hopeful and wondering if we were doing the right thing. Were we prolonging the inevitable? We didn't want him to suffer anymore. He had such a hard life. But as my daughter said "Mommy, we have to hope."
My sister flew home from England Friday...she spent all day Saturday with him...he saw his baby grandson. It was as if he waited for her, for his baby. He had to know when he saw her that things weren't good. Then Saturday night his organs started to fail...on Sunday we knew it was time. He wouldn't want to live like this. We all gathered around his bed and told him that we loved him...he nodded to us...he held our hands. They gave him a morphine drip and a sedative and turned off the machines at 10:50am...at 11:50 he was gone.
My daddy...my safety net. The guy I knew would always be there for me, to rescue me when needed is gone. Now I'm walking that tight rope without a net. And I'm scared. I guess I knew as long as he was there...there was a little of me that never had to grow up....now I do.
And god I feel so guilty. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship. To say we got on each other's nerves is an understatement. In some ways we were too much alike. And when I'm upset or uncomfortable I choice to ignore as oppose to deal...especially with him. There was never any arguing with him. I was 12 yrs old again every time I dealt with him. I'm not the type of person that cries easily...and he could reduce me to tears with one look. And because of that I hadn't seen him for 6 months, even though he lives only 3 hrs away. I can't remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone....I'm sure it was only a few weeks ago, but I can't remember and there is no excuse for it to have been weeks. I knew I needed to see him but my niece's birthday is this weekend and I figured I could see him then...but I won't. I'll never see him again. I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilty but I do. I know he knew I loved him...and he loved me but god it still hurts. My daddy is dead and there's no coming back from that.
My dad has been ill for a long time. Too many things to mention...but it wasn't any of that that killed him. It was a blood clot to the bowel...it rotted, it was all bad. He had less than a 10% chance to live. This was Thursday. But see my dad has defied all kinds of laws of logic. Maybe he would be the one...he could make it if anyone could. His spirit was strong. And he did get better...each and every day a little bit better. They told us he would never regain consciousness...and he did. The surgeon didn't want to discuss the next step or "what ifs" but he came to us Saturday and said if he continued to improve they would go back in next week and take another look...put in a colostomy bag. But he did tell us again not to get optimistic...we had a long road.
He was hooked up to tubes and IVs and all kind of stuff he never wanted. We all wavered between being hopeful and wondering if we were doing the right thing. Were we prolonging the inevitable? We didn't want him to suffer anymore. He had such a hard life. But as my daughter said "Mommy, we have to hope."
My sister flew home from England Friday...she spent all day Saturday with him...he saw his baby grandson. It was as if he waited for her, for his baby. He had to know when he saw her that things weren't good. Then Saturday night his organs started to fail...on Sunday we knew it was time. He wouldn't want to live like this. We all gathered around his bed and told him that we loved him...he nodded to us...he held our hands. They gave him a morphine drip and a sedative and turned off the machines at 10:50am...at 11:50 he was gone.
My daddy...my safety net. The guy I knew would always be there for me, to rescue me when needed is gone. Now I'm walking that tight rope without a net. And I'm scared. I guess I knew as long as he was there...there was a little of me that never had to grow up....now I do.
And god I feel so guilty. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship. To say we got on each other's nerves is an understatement. In some ways we were too much alike. And when I'm upset or uncomfortable I choice to ignore as oppose to deal...especially with him. There was never any arguing with him. I was 12 yrs old again every time I dealt with him. I'm not the type of person that cries easily...and he could reduce me to tears with one look. And because of that I hadn't seen him for 6 months, even though he lives only 3 hrs away. I can't remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone....I'm sure it was only a few weeks ago, but I can't remember and there is no excuse for it to have been weeks. I knew I needed to see him but my niece's birthday is this weekend and I figured I could see him then...but I won't. I'll never see him again. I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilty but I do. I know he knew I loved him...and he loved me but god it still hurts. My daddy is dead and there's no coming back from that.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
TV NIGHT!!
Okay...done feeling sorry for myeself...I know I recently put in an entry about TV shows...and well Tuesdays are one of my nights! I think I forgot to mention Veronica Mars on that post...and it is trully one of the best shows on TV...It might be my favorite...if you haven't watched it..give it a try or two...it is a tough show to jump in now at season 3 but give it a chance you won't be sorry. Tuesday nights on the CW..and Gilmore Girls! Yeah! Love that show too!!!
Did you guys see Heroes last night??? Wasn't it crazy??? And a bit bloodier than I'd like...this from a Buffy fan no less. Watch that show...it is awesome...Check ABC.com if you haven't watched it, the last 2 episodes are there. I think I might just rewatch them when I have the chance.
Did you guys see Heroes last night??? Wasn't it crazy??? And a bit bloodier than I'd like...this from a Buffy fan no less. Watch that show...it is awesome...Check ABC.com if you haven't watched it, the last 2 episodes are there. I think I might just rewatch them when I have the chance.
Crazy is relative... (warning F word used a lot!)
Or caused by relatives...I'm sure it's a bit of both. I rag on my husband's family a lot. And while they are nutts...my family is too.
There is a lot of history here...more than I can cover before dinner is done so that will have to wait for another post but what I can say is my Dad is fucked up. So is my Mom. But the funny part is I know they love us. Especially my Dad. And while their fucked up ways essentially isolated us from the rest of the family I never doubted my Dad loved us.
This isolation from our family was especially difficult on me. I was the oldest and my Mom is one of 6....4 girls and 2 boys. I was the oldest grandchild/niece and my Mom's family was my world. And I idolized my Aunts, they were everything to me. But because my Dad is fucked up...he did some really fucked up things. Ultimately it caused a rift in the family that 20 yrs later still isn't fixed and I've only seen my Aunts a few times since, the last of which was a few days after I graduated high school....in 1989...so it's been 17 yrs.
As I've gotten older and have escaped my parents home I wished I could see them again. Fear of my father's wrath and being rejected by them has made me think better of it...until they started contacting my sister.
Why have they contacted my sister I don't know. I think she gets a bit of a free pass because she is 6 yrs younger...maybe they think she doesn't remembers anything...I always felt like I was held responsible in many ways. I was told again and again, I was my "father's daughter." But see here's the thing, I am. I love my Dad, I don't love what he has done, but I love him.
When I graduated from high school things were especially bad, but that was a time when the family was "talking" again. It was a slow start, but it was something. Then they showed up to my graduation party...2 days late...like nothing happened and I was hurt and angry. I hadn't seen them in years as it was. I spent my graduation day waiting for them, so hoping we could reunite, be a family again and they didn't show. I was crushed and what I thought was an opportunity to fix things...failed miserably. I probably said things that now I don't even rememberbut I'm being held responsible for 17 yrs later.
Problem is, by contacting my sister they have stirred up emotions in me I wasn't ready for...and part of it is jealously. I don't understand why they don't contact me. Why don't they realize I was just a child too? Even if I was 18 at the time. It hurts you see because I have real memories of them, and believe it or not, most of them were good. Many times they were my saviors when things were so wrong with my family life when I was little. I have these memories and my sister doesn't. To her they truly are just strangers. She was 6 when they left our lives for the most part...we had some brief contacts here and there while she was a bit older...but they were always strained and difficult, ultimately ending on 6/3/1989.
I miss my Aunts..but I was just a kid and they did turn their backs on us too. I'm sure there are things about them I don't remember. I mean someone who walked out on us couldn't be all that good right? I look at my sister and my nephews and I can't imagine for a minute turning around and never seeing or speaking to them again. I love those boys like they are mine. I would jump in front of a bus to save their lives...and my sister's life too. So I'm jealous, I'm hurt, and I'm angry. My sister forwarded me a copy of an email from my Aunt to ask me what I thought. Now I'm armed with my Aunt's email address and I wondering what to do. Do I email her and tell her how I feel? Do I email her a "hi" and see where it goes? Do I just go on ignoring it? I don't know...I'm 12 again and crushed...I actually cried, and I rarely cry.
This is fucked up.
In no way am I angry with my sister......I wish I was in her position and I was the one they wanted to talk to. But I'm not...and I can't believe how hurt I am.
There is a lot of history here...more than I can cover before dinner is done so that will have to wait for another post but what I can say is my Dad is fucked up. So is my Mom. But the funny part is I know they love us. Especially my Dad. And while their fucked up ways essentially isolated us from the rest of the family I never doubted my Dad loved us.
This isolation from our family was especially difficult on me. I was the oldest and my Mom is one of 6....4 girls and 2 boys. I was the oldest grandchild/niece and my Mom's family was my world. And I idolized my Aunts, they were everything to me. But because my Dad is fucked up...he did some really fucked up things. Ultimately it caused a rift in the family that 20 yrs later still isn't fixed and I've only seen my Aunts a few times since, the last of which was a few days after I graduated high school....in 1989...so it's been 17 yrs.
As I've gotten older and have escaped my parents home I wished I could see them again. Fear of my father's wrath and being rejected by them has made me think better of it...until they started contacting my sister.
Why have they contacted my sister I don't know. I think she gets a bit of a free pass because she is 6 yrs younger...maybe they think she doesn't remembers anything...I always felt like I was held responsible in many ways. I was told again and again, I was my "father's daughter." But see here's the thing, I am. I love my Dad, I don't love what he has done, but I love him.
When I graduated from high school things were especially bad, but that was a time when the family was "talking" again. It was a slow start, but it was something. Then they showed up to my graduation party...2 days late...like nothing happened and I was hurt and angry. I hadn't seen them in years as it was. I spent my graduation day waiting for them, so hoping we could reunite, be a family again and they didn't show. I was crushed and what I thought was an opportunity to fix things...failed miserably. I probably said things that now I don't even rememberbut I'm being held responsible for 17 yrs later.
Problem is, by contacting my sister they have stirred up emotions in me I wasn't ready for...and part of it is jealously. I don't understand why they don't contact me. Why don't they realize I was just a child too? Even if I was 18 at the time. It hurts you see because I have real memories of them, and believe it or not, most of them were good. Many times they were my saviors when things were so wrong with my family life when I was little. I have these memories and my sister doesn't. To her they truly are just strangers. She was 6 when they left our lives for the most part...we had some brief contacts here and there while she was a bit older...but they were always strained and difficult, ultimately ending on 6/3/1989.
I miss my Aunts..but I was just a kid and they did turn their backs on us too. I'm sure there are things about them I don't remember. I mean someone who walked out on us couldn't be all that good right? I look at my sister and my nephews and I can't imagine for a minute turning around and never seeing or speaking to them again. I love those boys like they are mine. I would jump in front of a bus to save their lives...and my sister's life too. So I'm jealous, I'm hurt, and I'm angry. My sister forwarded me a copy of an email from my Aunt to ask me what I thought. Now I'm armed with my Aunt's email address and I wondering what to do. Do I email her and tell her how I feel? Do I email her a "hi" and see where it goes? Do I just go on ignoring it? I don't know...I'm 12 again and crushed...I actually cried, and I rarely cry.
This is fucked up.
In no way am I angry with my sister......I wish I was in her position and I was the one they wanted to talk to. But I'm not...and I can't believe how hurt I am.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
She running away...
Yep..my girl. That 10 yr old girl is running away. You know...her life is terrible.
My kid is a walking disaster, a mess, a slob...what ever you would like to call it. She takes after her dad. And the two of them...oh my god. A hurricane couldn't make a mess as bad as the two of them. Her room, well it's a disaster. I usually try not to say too much about her room...I mean it is her room after all. But see, my child has 2 rooms and a bathroom and the mess that eventually accumulates in there is mind blowing!
Finally today I told her she needed to clean things up. And after a round of arguing with said 10 yr old I lost it. That's right ...I threatened to clean it myself and after which 90% of the stuff would be gone! She packed a bag to leave. I told her to call her grandmother than..she can go live with her. (Nice aren't I?) Out the door she went to inform me she was walking...well she can't do that! So I ordered her back in the house, back upstairs to clean. She still insists she is running away....in fact she just handed me a bracelet's she just made with a note attached...it says...and I'm quoting here..."To M, See you in the future. From a kid that use to be yours."
OMG! It takes every once of self control not to laugh! Am I that messed up that I find humor in her agony!? Of course I find it totally ridiculous. And now I know she is making bracelet as opposed to cleaning up that room! Funny thing is..that second room, the play room...will be the baby's room. What will she do when that comes? Yikes!
Ah...just received a second note...and it says..."If you love me then I won't go."
The drama...................
My kid is a walking disaster, a mess, a slob...what ever you would like to call it. She takes after her dad. And the two of them...oh my god. A hurricane couldn't make a mess as bad as the two of them. Her room, well it's a disaster. I usually try not to say too much about her room...I mean it is her room after all. But see, my child has 2 rooms and a bathroom and the mess that eventually accumulates in there is mind blowing!
Finally today I told her she needed to clean things up. And after a round of arguing with said 10 yr old I lost it. That's right ...I threatened to clean it myself and after which 90% of the stuff would be gone! She packed a bag to leave. I told her to call her grandmother than..she can go live with her. (Nice aren't I?) Out the door she went to inform me she was walking...well she can't do that! So I ordered her back in the house, back upstairs to clean. She still insists she is running away....in fact she just handed me a bracelet's she just made with a note attached...it says...and I'm quoting here..."To M, See you in the future. From a kid that use to be yours."
OMG! It takes every once of self control not to laugh! Am I that messed up that I find humor in her agony!? Of course I find it totally ridiculous. And now I know she is making bracelet as opposed to cleaning up that room! Funny thing is..that second room, the play room...will be the baby's room. What will she do when that comes? Yikes!
Ah...just received a second note...and it says..."If you love me then I won't go."
The drama...................
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