Crazy is relative... (warning F word used a lot!)

Or caused by relatives...I'm sure it's a bit of both. I rag on my husband's family a lot. And while they are nutts...my family is too.

There is a lot of history here...more than I can cover before dinner is done so that will have to wait for another post but what I can say is my Dad is fucked up. So is my Mom. But the funny part is I know they love us. Especially my Dad. And while their fucked up ways essentially isolated us from the rest of the family I never doubted my Dad loved us.

This isolation from our family was especially difficult on me. I was the oldest and my Mom is one of 6....4 girls and 2 boys. I was the oldest grandchild/niece and my Mom's family was my world. And I idolized my Aunts, they were everything to me. But because my Dad is fucked up...he did some really fucked up things. Ultimately it caused a rift in the family that 20 yrs later still isn't fixed and I've only seen my Aunts a few times since, the last of which was a few days after I graduated high school....in 1989...so it's been 17 yrs.

As I've gotten older and have escaped my parents home I wished I could see them again. Fear of my father's wrath and being rejected by them has made me think better of it...until they started contacting my sister.

Why have they contacted my sister I don't know. I think she gets a bit of a free pass because she is 6 yrs younger...maybe they think she doesn't remembers anything...I always felt like I was held responsible in many ways. I was told again and again, I was my "father's daughter." But see here's the thing, I am. I love my Dad, I don't love what he has done, but I love him.

When I graduated from high school things were especially bad, but that was a time when the family was "talking" again. It was a slow start, but it was something. Then they showed up to my graduation party...2 days late...like nothing happened and I was hurt and angry. I hadn't seen them in years as it was. I spent my graduation day waiting for them, so hoping we could reunite, be a family again and they didn't show. I was crushed and what I thought was an opportunity to fix things...failed miserably. I probably said things that now I don't even rememberbut I'm being held responsible for 17 yrs later.

Problem is, by contacting my sister they have stirred up emotions in me I wasn't ready for...and part of it is jealously. I don't understand why they don't contact me. Why don't they realize I was just a child too? Even if I was 18 at the time. It hurts you see because I have real memories of them, and believe it or not, most of them were good. Many times they were my saviors when things were so wrong with my family life when I was little. I have these memories and my sister doesn't. To her they truly are just strangers. She was 6 when they left our lives for the most part...we had some brief contacts here and there while she was a bit older...but they were always strained and difficult, ultimately ending on 6/3/1989.

I miss my Aunts..but I was just a kid and they did turn their backs on us too. I'm sure there are things about them I don't remember. I mean someone who walked out on us couldn't be all that good right? I look at my sister and my nephews and I can't imagine for a minute turning around and never seeing or speaking to them again. I love those boys like they are mine. I would jump in front of a bus to save their lives...and my sister's life too. So I'm jealous, I'm hurt, and I'm angry. My sister forwarded me a copy of an email from my Aunt to ask me what I thought. Now I'm armed with my Aunt's email address and I wondering what to do. Do I email her and tell her how I feel? Do I email her a "hi" and see where it goes? Do I just go on ignoring it? I don't know...I'm 12 again and crushed...I actually cried, and I rarely cry.

This is fucked up.

In no way am I angry with my sister......I wish I was in her position and I was the one they wanted to talk to. But I'm not...and I can't believe how hurt I am.