RIP Dear Daddy

My dad died yesterday. He was only 60. Why am I on the computer? Because my house seems so empty and I came home last night from my mother's to gather my stuff, get my car fixed..figure out what to do next.

My dad has been ill for a long time. Too many things to mention...but it wasn't any of that that killed him. It was a blood clot to the bowel...it rotted, it was all bad. He had less than a 10% chance to live. This was Thursday. But see my dad has defied all kinds of laws of logic. Maybe he would be the one...he could make it if anyone could. His spirit was strong. And he did get better...each and every day a little bit better. They told us he would never regain consciousness...and he did. The surgeon didn't want to discuss the next step or "what ifs" but he came to us Saturday and said if he continued to improve they would go back in next week and take another look...put in a colostomy bag. But he did tell us again not to get optimistic...we had a long road.

He was hooked up to tubes and IVs and all kind of stuff he never wanted. We all wavered between being hopeful and wondering if we were doing the right thing. Were we prolonging the inevitable? We didn't want him to suffer anymore. He had such a hard life. But as my daughter said "Mommy, we have to hope."

My sister flew home from England Friday...she spent all day Saturday with him...he saw his baby grandson. It was as if he waited for her, for his baby. He had to know when he saw her that things weren't good. Then Saturday night his organs started to fail...on Sunday we knew it was time. He wouldn't want to live like this. We all gathered around his bed and told him that we loved him...he nodded to us...he held our hands. They gave him a morphine drip and a sedative and turned off the machines at 10:50am...at 11:50 he was gone.

My daddy...my safety net. The guy I knew would always be there for me, to rescue me when needed is gone. Now I'm walking that tight rope without a net. And I'm scared. I guess I knew as long as he was there...there was a little of me that never had to grow up....now I do.

And god I feel so guilty. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship. To say we got on each other's nerves is an understatement. In some ways we were too much alike. And when I'm upset or uncomfortable I choice to ignore as oppose to deal...especially with him. There was never any arguing with him. I was 12 yrs old again every time I dealt with him. I'm not the type of person that cries easily...and he could reduce me to tears with one look. And because of that I hadn't seen him for 6 months, even though he lives only 3 hrs away. I can't remember the last time I spoke to him on the phone....I'm sure it was only a few weeks ago, but I can't remember and there is no excuse for it to have been weeks. I knew I needed to see him but my niece's birthday is this weekend and I figured I could see him then...but I won't. I'll never see him again. I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilty but I do. I know he knew I loved him...and he loved me but god it still hurts. My daddy is dead and there's no coming back from that.