So what do you do?

What do you do after your dad dies? I mean I'm not sure. We had his funeral on Thursday and it all seems so surreal. I just can't believe he is gone. My Daddy is gone.

I go thru waves of emotions. Sometimes I'm okay, other times I cry. I'm anxious and nervous for no apparent reason. I feel so alone. I didn't realize how big of an influence he had on me, how much I needed him. Needed him to feel safe in this world. My safety net is gone.

My Dad and I didn't have the best relationship. I think we were too much a like. He had done so many things in our past but I forgave him a very long ago...I just think he never forgave himself. And god knows we never talked about it. We could never talk. So I guess how could he know I forgave him?

My Mother claims we both held each other to too high a standard, on a "pedestal" and when we fell neither of us ever recovered. But the one thing I never doubted is that he loved me and would do anything for me...I hope he knew the same.

My brother and Dad were able to move beyond all the turmoil...but my bother is a different person than I am...and I'm so glad they did. They were able to have a relationship they both wanted so much. But my Dad and I? We never did...and now we will never have that chance.

And my Mother, god my Mother. She just seems so small now. I don't think anyone realized how much she needed him too. We never thought he did much around the house to help her.....but the space left in that house, his absence is huge. He was home. I realize that now but I never had the chance to tell him. The house seems so quiet, so alone. My Dad was not a big man but his presence was huge. He filled a room, his heart was large, his spirit was great. I just can't believe it took him leaving to make me realize this.

I knew it would end like this....me not seeing him for months with no other excuse but that we annoyed each other. Me feeling guilty for not calling enough or taking my daughter enough so she would know her grandfather better. Guilt, something I could have easily avoided if I was not wrapped up in my own life. I should have made the time.

So to anyone reading this..make the time. Make the time before it's too late.